Magnus' Letters
by churchthecat
Summary: A series of letters that Magnus wrote, in his sparkly blue pen, to Alec, which he has never sent. Expect drama and emotions, if I have the talent to unleash them on you. Thank you.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Alec,  
I hate what you did. I don't hate you but I hate what you have done to us. I thought we were stronger than this. I thought you were above this. Camille spins a web, a web so tight it's hard to break. But I never thought you'd be stupid enough to get caught. You were though. You got caught.  
I doubt I'll ever send this letter, but it seems the best way to get my feelings out. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to lose you. But I don't understand what I ever could have done to make you want to do that to me. Was it jealousy? Were you scared for the day I might move on? The day long long after you died that I finally leave the stage of grief behind? The day that happiness is finally attainable? I thought you loved me? I thought you would want my happiness? I thought you cared.  
I saw your face when you heard what I said. When I told you our love didn't matter. When I told you I loved you, but that it wasn't enough anymore. It felt as if I had kicked a puppy. As if I had punched a small child. I saw your bottom lip started to protrude, your chin start to wobble, your eyes filled with tears. But I couldn't take it back. What I said was true. Our love isn't enough to overcome your jealousy. It can't obscure what you did. What you tried to achieve.  
Your stuff was gone today. When I came home. I unlocked the door and it didn't feel like home, it was as empty as my heart. I couldn't sense your presence, the memories we once shared. As I stared at the couch, remembering everything, I realised that what we had was better than anything I have ever experienced in the past. Better than Will. Better than Camille. Better than anyone. I loved you Alec, I still love you. And you love me too.  
I miss you. But I can't have you back. I can't need you back. You need to trust in me. Believe in me. But you don't. You trusted Camille. You believed her. Not me. You could've spoken to me. How could you keep me in the dark. How could you ruin the love we once shared. When did it start? When did you start to plan?  
All my recent memories are tainted, tainted in a blood red tinge that reminds me of Camille. Of what you both did.  
I can't help it though, looking back on earlier memories. Your shocked face when I hit on you, the moment you realised that you were gay. That day, that day we tested the fearless tune on you, when you almost came out to your parents. It was as if all your secret thoughts came pouring out your mouth in a torrential flood. I wonder what would happen if we used it on you now? Or if you had been brave enough to tell me what you wanted. A real mundane relationship. A marriage. Growing old.  
I didn't know what you wanted, Alec. But maybe if I had things wouldn't have ended like this.  
God I hope this isn't the end.  
I still love you. I do.  
Malec


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi. Thanks for reading :)**

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Dear Alec,

I miss you. I watch out my window to see if you ever walk past. I see you around town but you don't see me. I see the pain in your face even as you laugh. The tears in your eyes as you pass our places. I see the tension in your jaw when you hear our song. I feel it too. I do. I see you at night, staring up at my window. I can't let you know I'm here. I want to let you know I'm here. I still love you.  
I want you to know that no matter what happens I was always there. I've always been here. And here I shall stay. I want to let you know that I'm still in love with you. I feel your pain. My heart hurts too. I suppose I'm just too used to it. Too used to feeling pain. I've had my heart broken for so long and I thought that maybe, just maybe, you could mend it. I thought I had started to mend. I can feel it coming back. The draw to the dark magics. The darkness seeps in at night. That's why I stay up. I've gone back to my old vices. They keep away the pain. I drink to erase the pain. I smoke to erase the memories. They keep away the darkness. I can feel it coming. I can feel it taking up your empty space. The darkness. I me. I've never been this afraid before. You were my armour and now you're gone. And it's my fault. It's my fault you're gone. I can't help it though. I can't bring you back. I can't expose you to the darkness that rages inside of me. I need it gone. I need you back. I need your love. But I can't have it. I know that. I don't deserve your love and you don't deserve mine. It can't be controlled though. Love is as strong as fear. And I feel both. They are at war inside me. I can feel it. Both the good and the bad survive in my soul. The love and the hate. The dark and the light. I'm tearing myself apart trying to stay good for you. I don't know how much longer I'll last.  
I need you.  
I need you so much more than you will ever know.

Eternal love,  
Magnus


	3. Chapter 3

**hi so it turns out I've been uploading these in the wrong order which is incredibly embarrassing but oh well. I'm trying to upload the right ones now so bear with. **

**Sorry for the inconvenience. **

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Dear Alec,

You got in a fight today. I'm hoping you know this. But in case you don't. In case you don't remember us. In case you hit your head so hard that all your memories came flying out. In case you don't remember our time.

I think I should tell you.

I think I should tell you about the broken boy who came to me. The boy who was friend zoned by his best friend who would rather date his sister than his parabatai(even though it was just as forbidden and you and I both knew that). The boy who came to me when he finally realised he wanted to be open about who he was.

I remember that day you almost told your parents because of Clary's rune. I remember the words tumbling out your mouth as if there was no barrier to stop them. I remember watching you come back. When your cheeks were ablaze and your eyes showed the horror of what you were about to reveal. And I knew it wasn't me. I knew it wasn't because you didn't love me. But rather because you loved them. And you didn't want then to hate you. And I can't hate you for that. Heck. I never did.

I may have given you a tiny bit of a hard time but I was never annoyed. I remember that night. Thinking you had died. I remember all those times I got to nurse you back to health. And even though I might have acted ungrateful, I am eternally grateful to you.

For needing me.

For wanting me.

For loving me.

Never had a nephilim loved me the way you have. Never has a shadowhunter one against his moral code to be with me. Not the way you have. Had. The way you did. Before I made you leave.

I miss you. I miss your sweet smile and your gorgeous eyes. I miss the way your faCe used to blush when you noticed me staring. I miss your perky butt and your attitude. I even miss your mood swings. I miss helping your stupid little arrogant friends. They weren't so bad. I miss along care of you all.

You especially though. You were the reason I was still sane. You have me purpose. Now I have no purpose. I have nothing to contribute to this world. That's what the voices tell me. What the smoke whispers. It whispers your name. Telling me lies. Telling me truths. Telling me bad things about you. Telling me you've moved on. I don't know what to believe. Is the voice right? Is he wrong? I. Don't. Know. I don't know if I want the answer either. I don't know how to deal with all this pain. How to deal with the anger living inside of me. The dragon at my heart.

Magnus.

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**Again. Sorry for that folks. **

**Im trying to add I paragraphs which I had but they got deleted when I uploaded then so just let me know if you want more or less :)**

**thank you for reading. Sorry again :) **


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for this please bear with :) **

**thanks again for reading my story. If you like my work please check out my other stories. Only if you want though. **

**Please review it means so much more than you could imagine. Yes my life is that sad. I love you guys just for reading this so please let me know what you think :) **

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Dear Alec,

You're still not awake. I can see your peaceful face when I close my eyes. I can't help but wonder what you see behind those hooded lids. I can't help but think of what it is that causes you to purse your lips and breath deeply. I want to know what's wrong. I want to be able to help. I want to know how this happened. I want to beat up the person responsible. I hope it's not me. I hope I'm not the reason you're getting in reckless fights. I hope I'm not the reason you're alienating yourself from your friends. The reason that you cast your eyes downwards when you walk past the places we used to meet.

I can't help but watch you as you skim stones over our lake. And the problem is I know I'm the reason. And I blame myself. I blame you and me and Camille. And if I knew where that bitch was right now I would hunt her down and end her stupid life already. Although for all I know she's already dead. I sure hope so. I sure could see not having her presence choking me like a heavy cloud of gas. Each moment I ponder whether or not she's still out, there is a moment of torture. She fed you lies; she fed me lies. I thought we were friends.

But then again. I thought you loved me. At least enough not to go behind my back and try to rid me of my immortality. I'm not even sure I want it. If you had asked I might have considered. But now the monster is back. And he won't let go. He won't let go of me- or of my immortality. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't kill myself. I'm scared that's what you're trying to do. Trying to kill yourself. Rid yourself of the same pain that's eating me up. I just want to burst into that ward, badass bitch playing behind me, and come to your side. Healing you with the blue sparks that match your eyes.

I'm afraid I may never see your eyes again. I might never hear your laugh. See the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, or when you laugh so much you hurt. I'm afraid you'll never wake up. I'm afraid that I'll never have the chance. And these last few months will have been a waste. And the only memories I'll have of you are the ones from when I was watching- the sad ones. The ones where I watched you throw your life away. The days where I followed you. Watching you grieve a lost love. Except I'll never be lost. I'll be the one to lose you. Because one day you'll move on. Or you'll die. . . and you'll never have to feel this pain again. But me? I'll have to carry this burden forever. The mark of the blue-eyed boy. I'll have to carry a broken piece of myself with me forever. Literally. One day I might find love again. But not like you. None could leave a mark as bright as yours.

Love,

Magnus.


	5. Chapter 5

**so this chapter was supposed to be set after Alec wakes up. I think this was in the wrong place so sorry if you've read it before. Thanks again for putting up with me and my story :)**

**please review**

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Dear Alec,

I saw you today. From across the street. You're eyes were painted with the pain of your past. The shadows on your face showed the nightmares that never leave. The nightmare you live. Your face is pale, your arms shaky. You've barely recovered. I want to heal you. But I can't.

I don't remember how to use the good magic. The nice magic. I can barely feel the magic. I'm numb. I just wanted to fix you. It took all my strength not to come running over to you. I felt the weight on my shoulder. The dark tendrils of smoke that only I could see threatening to take me under. To make me the devils slave. I could feel them pulling at me. Reminding me of my deal with satan. I can't mix you up in this.

I can't taint you with the horrible pain of my past, present and future. I can't expose you to the evil rotting away at my very core. The very darkness that was passed down through generations of my kind. The darkness we don't like to tell the shadowhunters of. It's the kind of darkness that could steal a soul. Turn the brightest minds blank, the purest souls black. I made the deal with the devil. I can't bring you to hell with me. Some say the descent into hell is easy but I can't imagine anything being easy without you at my side. You were always so jealous, Alexander. Always fighting the green monster inside. I know it was hard for you. Now put yourself in my shoes. Try and fight the raging monster inside of me. The devils spawn. The mark of evil.

Imagine growing up as I did. Imagine frightening your own parents as much as I. I had no friends. But of course you know this. Let me free you of the burden of caring about my past. Let me tell you now. The problems I told you, my problems. You don't have to care anymore. You don't have to worry your pretty little head about me. I saw the pain in your eyes today, as if the brilliant blue had turned to murky waters, I could practically see the cogs of your mind at work, the gentle way you but your lip to stop the emotions from showing. When you put on your mask, your fighting mask, I saw the darkness leave your eyes. I saw the way they lit up as you returned to your rules. I saw the way your emotions disappeared as you fought of those demons. And as strong as you are. I don't think you can fight off my demons. They're buried deep inside. They aren't my demons. They are me. And you were my remedy. My sanity. My everything. Why did I let you go? Why don't I have the courage to bring you back? I don't know. I just don't know.

Magnus


	6. Chapter 6

**hi here you go. Sorry it's been a while. I'll update again soon. It would be nice to have more input from you guys. Reviews really make me smile :) thanks for reading **

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Dear Alec,

I want you back.

I need you back.

Please. I don't know how to continue on. I only keep going because I don't have a choice. The darkness inside anchors me to the ground. The devil on my shoulder keeps me from reaching reality. The pain inside me stops me from escaping it. I can't help but want you to save me. But you can't. If you save me I might ruin you. What if my darkness goes into you as well? How will I live knowing my soul ruined yours? How could I go on knowing that your ruin was my doing? I love you too much. And you love me too.

That's what hurts the most. It's not our lack of love keeping us apart. It's the abundance of it. We shared so much. It almost hurts. Knowing that the love I once held for you is turning dark. Each day I forget more memories we shared. Each day I fear I may forget you. That one day the darkness will erase all the light in my heart. All the love you put there. I can't go into my room without thinking of you. Without thinking of the tender moments we shared. I can climb in between our sheets without thinking of how it felt with you there too. I wake up gasping. Reaching for your side of the bed. Reaching for your hand. Only to find your side empty and cold.

To find that the space that was once ours is now just mine. And I'm alone. I need you back. I need your warmth and your love. But what if I bring you back? What if the ice in my heart freezes you? What if I can't stop the damage from being done? What if I can't stop the anger that grows inside of me? What if I hurt you? What if I break you? We can't both be broken.

I love you Alec

Magnus


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi again :) it's been a while but I'm back. I don't feel like this needs much introduction. You know these characters aren't mine. I'm just trying to make you feel some Malec-ey feels. Let me know what you think hearing your opinions makes me really happy :) **

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Dear Alec,

I spoke to your friends today. They want us to get back together. I want us to get back together too.

I told them to get lost. I told them to leave me alone. That I didn't even like them. It hurt me to see the pain in their eyes. I think they had hope. Hope that we could heal each other.

I smashed their dreams. The same way Camille crushed ours. The same way that I crushed yours. You really did love me. I can see that. I know that you did. I know that you still do. But I can't help it. I can't let you come close to the monster. I can't. I won't let you become like me. I can't take your joy and your happiness and taint it with the pain of my past, present and future. I don't want you to hurt the way I hurt. I don't want you to feel the pain I feel. To see the hate in my heart.

My hate isn't for you. I love you so much. But I am filled with a deep dark horror. The kind of horror that terrified my mother. That stopped me from making friends. My father was the scariest. He used to come home and tell me I wasn't scary enough. I never wanted to be scary. I wanted company. Friendship. All I needed was you. And I had you. We had each other. And now that's gone. Everything I have ever loved has been lost.

They say that if you love something set it free. And if it loves you it will come right back. No one ever came back for me.

Except for you. When your angelic face appeared at my door I knew you were right. You were the one exception. The only person not repulsed by me.

I miss you.

Magnus


	8. Chapter 8

**HI again it's story time. You know the drill :) please review it makes me happy **

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Dear Alec,

I really miss you. More than you could know. I've lost a lot of people in my long life, far too many. I've seen more die in my lifetime than I hope you should ever have to witness. It scares me. Each friend I've ever made has died. With one exception. The only other immortal friend I have.

I wish you could be immortal. I wish you could stay with me forever. Heck. If you had asked I probably would have given up forever just for a lifetime with you. I can see us. I can imagine it. Us growing old, our hair turning grey, the skin at the edge of our eyes growing wrinkly with memories long forgotten. I can imagine it now, the way your blue eyes will still sparkle even on the darkest of days. They way your smile would brighten up my day even when the monsters took hold. We can't have that now. Their grip is too strong. It's as if weights are tied to my feet and I'm sinking into a never ending abyss that I can never escape. An oblivion that I'll never be able to leave. Each time I think I might finally get to leave I wake up gasping, breathing deep shallow breaths, my body covered in a cold swear, the effort of not drowning draining me of all my spirit. Now you're gone my magic has dwindled. What was once bright blue sparks are now full grey clouds. I've never felt this way before. It's never been this bad.

I can hear the demons. Whispering to me, beckoning me. Inviting me to join them. Sometimes I can see it. My vision turns red, I can see the things I should do. See the innocents I should murder. Imagine the power i would feel if I were ever to capture and kill an angel. How magnificent I would feel ripping out each feather one by one. My magic turning the colour of the blood puddling on the floor.

It takes all of me to stop these images. I have to imagine us. Imagine how you would feel if I ever did that. The thought of your bright eyes saves me from my troubled thoughts. The way you duck your head when you're embarrassed saves me from my demons. You save me. But now I have to save myself.

I love you,

Magnus.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello! It's been a while, I've had exams and stuff so I've been focusing on school, but now, I'm back, with plenty more letters for you :) Please let me know what you think in the comments it means a lot :)**

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Dear Alec,

I don't know what to do. I have a deep sense of hopelessness and it's dragging me under. I can't stop this pain. I don't know how. I can't eat or sleep or anything. I float about the house like a zombie, my feet dragging, my arms limp. I don't have parties anymore. I haven't had one in a long time. I miss them. I miss us.

I remember when you let me throw you a birthday party. It wasn't big, just a few of us. You were so embarrassed. It was so endearing the way your ears turned pink and your cheekbones were covered in a smattering of blush. I loved the way you were so grateful for each gift. Even the stupid Star Wars mugs from Simon. I still have them. Pride of place in my cupboard. I miss having coffee with your each morning, the way our eyes would meet and we would snigger at the absurdity of our mugs. Your yoda mug perfectly imitating your "just out of bed" expression. I miss the mornings we spent curled up on the couch, a magical fire blazing. I miss your perfectionism. The way you would pour over the codex, your mind drinking in each and every word.

I miss the way you would worry about your friends the moment they were in danger. Heck. I even miss your stupid little friends. I miss the way Izzy would send me knowing looks, her body image saying "don't hurt him" but her eyes saying she didn't mind. I miss the way her and Simon would bicker relentlessly over the smallest things. I miss Jace and his arrogance and Clary and her artistic eye. I did like that fireball. I miss the drama I was subjected to around your friends. Despite being annoying and stupid they always dd the right thing.

They were part of my salvation.

You are the biggest part though.

You are what saved me.

It makes me sad I can't have you here. That I can't have you around. I know you want to be around. I still see you sometimes. Sending furtive glances towards my windows when you walk past. I want you around too.

But I can't risk it. Can't risk you. Can't risk losing you forever. At least this way I know you're safe. Safe from me.

At least this way my demons can't take you with me. That they can't grab your ankles and pull you under. It's not nice down here. It's dark and lonely and I can't see. My thoughts are murky. Thick swirling. My feet are tangled in the seaweed, keeping me here. I kick as hard as I can but it doesn't help. I can't loosen their grip. Can't loosen the hold that they have on me.

I will always love you, even in my darkest days.

Magnus.


	10. Chapter 10

**I just wrote the best intro and I accidentally deleted it (damn you iPhone) do you feel my pain? Anyway let's try this again :(**

**HELLO! I'm back, clearly, exams are almost over and I'm pretty bored so these letters happen :) please let me know what you think in the comments it means a lot. I bought my copy of CoHF the other day(and annoyed the staff and customers with my desperation, squealing and running. Yes. I ran.) but don't worry I won't post any spoilers at all and no matter the outcome of CoHF my letters will continue as they are :) I know this is really long and I doubt any of you are still reading but if you are put "sparkles" in your comment because I love it when you do that :) THANK YOU! **

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Dear Alec,

It's worse today. I don't understand how it could get any worse. It's like there's a black tint to my eyesight and no matter how hard I blink it won't go away. I can't cry. I can't wash it away.

I can't get rid of this darkness. No matter how hard I try. I don't know how to. When I look in the mirror I don't recognise who I see. My hair is limp, greasy, hanging down my face like a mop. My body is sticky, as if covered in a layer of slime. I can't wash it off. Satan knows I've tried.

I feel like this is it. My transformation from a caterpillar to a disgusting moth. From a warlock to a demon. I'm not even sure that can happen. Not even sure if I can change. But I can feel it. I can feel myself changing. As if I am caught in limbo. I roam helplessly. Nobody can see me. Nobody acknowledges me. Nobody knows I'm here. They don't want to know me.

No one wants to know me.

No one should.

I can see why they are frightened. Why they block me from sights. I look like a monster. I feel like a monster. I don't know how to get better.

I am broken.

Broken. Forever.

I don't know how to get fixed.

Please fix me.

Magnus

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**Thanks for reading :) please let me know what you think, whether you would like longer chapters or not(this one is really short sorry) or whether you have any ideas for letters I'll be sure to consider and try them all :)**

**Thanks again for reading your comments mean a lot to me :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello! It's me again with a new chapter. I'm going to set a benchmark of 5 reviews per chapter before I post a new one because I prefer to know what you guys are thinking. So please let me know what you think it means a lot :) thank you **

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Dear Alec,

I feel like I'm drowning. I don't which way is up or down, right or left. Everything is darkness. I can't tell when my eyes are closed or open, when I'm awake or when I'm sleeping.

I'm scared I'll forget you. I can feel it. Slowly you are slipping away from me, the memory of you being ripped away by the current. Sometimes I think I can see your blue eyes when I look in the mirror but then I blink and they're gone.

All I can see is my sallow face, my bleak eyes. The impending darkness. The scars on my skin represent my past. My present. My future. The scars never stay for long. The disappear slowly with time. Just like the good memories, always fading, always leaving.

Everything I've ever loved has left. All the things I wanted to keep gone in the blink of an eye. Everything slips away, the slam of a door, the puff of a last breath. Everyone has left. I wish I could leave sometimes. Wish I could leave this miserable life behind.

Sometimes I wish you had taken my immortality. Maybe then I wouldn't be living this hell. Maybe then I would still be happy. I can barely remember what happy feels like. All I can remember is the crushing weight resting on me. Pushing me. Causing me to fail. To flail. To fall. Fall into the darkness. The endless oblivion of pain that envelopes me. It's like a blanket of space. As if I am in a vacuum and no one can hear me. I call out for help, screaming, yelling. But no one ever heard. No one ever checks on me.

I may have to give up soon.

Magnus.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hi! This one is really short but your commenting skills are rubbish so I suppose we can't always get what we want. Please let me know what you think, I look forward to hearing your opinions. **

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Dear Alec,

I remember you today. I saw you. I saw you through the haze. I don't know if it was real or pretend but you were here. You looked at me and I saw your heart break. I saw my darkness taint your pure white soul and that hurts. It hurts knowing what I do to you. It hurts that I have that kind of effect on you. It makes me mad that my genetics can harm others.

Sometimes I have bad thoughts. Selfish thoughts. Thoughts of death and of you. I can't have you. That would be selfish of me. I can't hurt you. I don't want to.

I would try and stop this if I could. But I can't. I don't know how.

Magnus


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